Chitty Chitty Band Band

Music News Wed, 29 Sep 2010 Written by Rasha Omer
Steven Seagal - Guitar Genius

As we move into Middle Eastern Film Festival season, we thought it would be an easy target, and good angle, to look at actor's bands and the great (ahem) legacy they've left the music industry.

It can be somewhat of an exciting discovery when you hear that your favorite actor has musical tendencies.

You’d probably look up this band frantically, cross your fingers that the music would be your cup o’ tea, find it sounding decent on paper (not everything influenced by Bowie is going to sound like Heroes), rush out to buy the record/order it online – listen to it, and proceed to try really hard to love it (if it wasn’t, y’know, a big ol’ hilarious hoax a la Joaquin Phoenix’s “psychotic rap career”).

But there is only one problem: It sucks. Big time. This will either put you in a state of a) denial or b) boycott.

Some Hollywood types really need to define the lines of their exuberant “talent”, and as it is the norm to bag on singers turned actors (probably too many to go through) – let’s take look at a list of actor bands and how much they hurt our fragile ears.

Steven Seagal - Living musical legend

 

Steven Seagal

Yep - he's a an aikido black belt, deputy sherriff AND musician, not to mention the greatest actor of our generation. 3 things in the last sentence are true - up to you to decide which one you want to believe. He's been holding music lovers under siege (couldn't resist) since 2005's Songs From The Crystal Cave

30 Odd Foot of Grunts

 

Russell Crowe (in several reincarnations):

It’s not that it’s fun to make fun of Mr. Gladiator, but he makes it so easy with his musical endeavors in bands such as 30 Odd Foot of Grunts and The Ordinary Fear of God – and with albums titled My Hand, My Heart, the fact that he is actually making some money out of this part of his career is really an ode to the power of the fangirls/boys.

Dogstar's Keanu Reeves

 

Keanu Reeves in Dogstar

They actually played Glastonbury in the late nineties, but that doesn’t mean they were even close to good – just a bright example of what celebrity stature can do (if it can get you of jail, it probably can win you Grammy's).

Scarlett Johannson - singer?

 

Scarlett Johansson:

Not in a band, but has a knack for releasing cover albums (Tom Waits songs!) and collaborating with Pete Yorn (probably in turn reviving his career)– and that apparently is what it takes to give her any kind of cred. We think she should definitely stick to “acting”.

Jard 'Emo' Leto - 30 Seconds to Mars

 

Jared Leto in 30 Seconds to Mars:

They’re actually pretty popular – for some reason that escapes us – they seem to have found a connection (ka-ching!) with the alternative-black-eye-liner-teen-crowd. It also seems like Leto could easily quit his acting career for this band, which is rather funny – because he's a much better actor than he is “rockstar”.

Jada Smith - Metal Master

 

Jada Pinkett-Smith in Wicked Wisdom:

Mrs. Will Smith and esteemed, painfully underrated thespian (Scream 2, The Nutty Professor) is the front woman of metal band Wicked Wisdom. Nope, this isn’t a joke band – they are so serious, they even got an opening slot for esteemed, painfully underrated musician Britney Spears.

Do you have any suggestions?