We Wish Upon a Breakup: Rock

Sometimes we hear through the grapevine that an iconic band is about to disband, or go on a extended hiatus – and it’s usually a shocking, sad event which compels all music fans to mourn the "passing" of an act by remembering all of their great moments, playing their records through the nights and paying tribute in different forms.

Then sometimes, you hear a band on the radio – and you shake your head ferociously and think to yourself, I bet I’ll never hear this again. You get proven wrong; the more you despise them, the bigger they get. The more you try to avoid them, the more they are everywhere (hint: to avoid such situations, you should really just listen to our live stream instead). So we took a straw-poll in the office and came up with our own list.

So for all of you tortured souls out there – and perhaps, for some personal reasons, we’ve decided to list the seven "alt-rock" bands we’d love to see disappear right now.

No. 7 – Paramore

Bland, Formulaic, gloriously middle of the road – and perfectly deploying an overplayed schtick to boot.  We also suspect they are a brainwash tool for enlisting teenagers into some sort of****py music cult (ed. investigation going on). They probably haven’t been overexposed as much as the other bands on the list, thus landing them at number seven, but with news of dissent within the group – they may well be the first to disappear.

No. 6 – Staind:

Do you remember this band? Teen angst mixed with a mid-life crisis and sung by someone who has trouble enunciating words because he is too busy focusing on how to grunt with finesse? Also, they had an affinity for over-dramatized music videos. Why were they popular again?

No. 5 – Daughtry:

Relatively new. Fronted by someone who was ‘discovered’ on American Idol, pretty much perfect if you enjoy manufactured alt-rock with a side of manicured facial goatees!

No. 4 – Breaking Benjamin:

Boring. Have been boring since they formed in 1998, then upgraded to uninteresting with the release of their major debut and been making uninspired music since then. Apparently they are on a break. Most exciting thing they have ever done.

No. 3 – Seether:

The only non-North American band on the list. These South African chaps have been torturing the masses with a certain branch of Alt Rock – aptly named, Irritating Alt Rock. Side effects of overexposure to it include: temporary deafness and panic attacks. They’ve ruled the airwaves by releasing a song with none other than Evanescence. Yes. Enough said. (A quick Youtube search also shows they’ve covered Careless Whisper. Maybe they are just really undercover comedians.)

No. 2 – Hoobastank:

They are still a band, unfortunately. Their single from hell, The Reason, was one of the reasons this list is in existence today. It has left many, many scars. Let’s hope they never write a sappy alt-rocker to haunt our nights again. Catch them in Qatar next month (seriously).

No. 1 – Nickelback:

Drumroll! Out of all the bands listed, Nickelback is probably the most successful and the most hated. With each song they release to saturate the airwaves, we’re left flabbergasted at how they get any spins at all. These guys have inflicted so much pain upon audiences since their Spidey song, we sometimes wonder if it’s a running joke with their fans to see who can put up with their music the longest before requiring intense therapy. Thank you, Canada.